Have You Ever Wondered If Your Marriage Was Going To Last?
You may be feeling:
- That you don't know your spouse anymore
- Like roommates who just share space without friendship or intimacy
- That your sex life is substandard or non existent
- That your marriage might end in divorce
These thoughts can be frightening. They can cause anger, anxiety, depression and substance abuse. They can also be temptation for deception and infidelity.
You’ve tried everything you can think of. Maybe you’ve had some temporary improvement but nothing seems to stick. You keep on falling back into the same old painful patterns.
Your communication may have become trivial, stale or non-existent. You don’t know how to talk to each other anymore. Every serious conversation seems like a struggle or is avoided. You just talk about tasks, chores and other people.
There are unspoken thoughts and feelings. You censor and filter because you don’t want to start a fight. Or you fear a critical and judgmental response from your spouse.
You’re Both Stuck
The same old arguments keep coming up over and over. Neither of you feel like you’re being heard. Fights escalate into raised voices. One of you just shuts down or leaves. There is criticism and defensiveness in your voices.
You may have lost the deep connection that brought you into marriage. There is distance between you – a space that seems wide and deep. Physical affection seems unnatural or forced. You don’t hold hands, hug or kiss much anymore.
You can’t remember the last time you had good sex. Neither of you seems to be that interested in it. One of you is usually too tired or distracted. The desire has faded and you wonder if it will return.
Your spouse seems to be too friendly with a coworker. Or an ex has suddenly surfaced. There are texts that are borderline flirting. You wonder if there’s an emotional affair and what’s going on when you’re not around. You want to look through your spouse’s phone to find out.
Money is a sensitive topic. You can’t seem to agree on how to earn it, how to spend it or how to save it. There never seems to be enough and the credit card debt is rising.
How could you possibly be thinking of separation or divorce? You wonder how things became this way. If only you could figure this out.
Every Marriage Goes Through Periods Of Struggle
It’s impossible to live with someone for any length of time and not have issues crop up. The natural tendency is to focus your time and attention on other things. Over time, you subtly take your marriage for granted. Marriages find a balance - a pattern that two people get into and tend to stay with. When that pattern is dysfunctional, problems inevitably arise.
A long term, healthy marriage is one of the most difficult and rewarding things you can accomplish. It can be very hard, but working through marriage problems can provide a great sense of accomplishment.
Marriage Counseling Can Provide The Guidance And Support You Need
Even if you’re feeling lost now, I can help guide you in making lasting, positive changes in your marriage. Marriage counseling can help you:
- Have healthy conversations
- Manage conflict
- Feel emotionally safe
- Reestablish intimacy
- Rebuild trust
- Rekindle desire
I specialize in marriage counseling. Particularly those relationships that have experienced infidelity, high conflict or substance abuse.
By the time I see couples, they have tried everything they can. But they still feel stuck, maybe trapped, and they don’t know what to do.
We will focus on areas such communication, trust, conflict management, friendship, emotional intimacy and physical intimacy.
Communication is about process not content. It’s about how you speak to each other, not what you speak about. This is especially important in conflict management. Conflicts are normal and often helpful, if managed in a healthy way.
With infidelity or deception, a trust has been broken. Emotional affairs are more common today. Whatever happened is usually a symptom of a problem in the relationship that has been present for some time. Rebuilding trust can be done but it takes a total commitment by both people.
Substance abuse or addiction in a relationship is a complicated problem. We will look at how both people contribute to the problem. Blaming and shaming are not helpful.
We’ll figure out what your pattern is and disrupt it. And I mean disrupt it in a major way. Otherwise you’ll go back to what’s not working.
Your Marriage Must Come First, Period
Marriage is about growth - as individuals and as a couple.
If you want to have the best chance of success, your marriage must come first in your life. Your marriage must come before children, work, family and friends. It must be the absolute top priority in your life.
And here is the reason. Everything in your life feeds off your marriage. Why? Because it’s the ultimate commitment. A long term, healthy marriage requires more time and energy than anything else - and that includes a career and children.
And here’s the payoff. A solid marriage makes everything easier for both of you. When both of you are operating as a good team, having each other’s backs, everything takes less effort. You have less worry, anxiety and stress. You have more peace, calmness and security.
What If We End Up Divorcing?
This is a possibility that must be confronted. My job is not to keep you together or break you up. My job is to help each of you decide what you truly want and need.
We Can’t Afford It
A good marriage counselor is not cheap and can strain your budget. However, what is it worth to have a solid, healthy marriage? It’s an investment that can payoff for a lifetime.
My Spouse Won’t Come
Let me talk to your spouse. Often this is the husband. As one myself, I know how to relate. Usually, if a reluctant spouse attends one session, I can make them see how it can benefit them.
Your Marriage Is My Client
We will focus on what is best for your marriage, not for you individually. But in the end they are the same thing. What’s in the best interest of your marriage is in your best interest too.
I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. My education, training and experience have been focused on how marriages can and should work.
On a personal note, my wife and I are currently in a long term (32 years), healthy, stable marriage. We’ve never been divorced. We also have three children. Believe me, I’ve been through it and I think I know what it takes to make it work. We’re not unusual or special. We’ve just chosen to do things a certain way.
Together we can find what works for you.